Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
