Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
