we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
