He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
