my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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