I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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