I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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