My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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