it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
