Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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