your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
