i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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