Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
