I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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