Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
