she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
