can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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