I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
