hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
