these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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