The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
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He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
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Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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