best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
