I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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