i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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