My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
