3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
