Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just threw up on my dentist
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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