i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
