grandma shit on top of the toilet
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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