I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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