I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
