69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
