We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
