it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
