I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
We got so high we made milksteak
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
