Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
