so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
