Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
