I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
