we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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