I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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