he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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