I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
