I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
