I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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