Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
