apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
