He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
