just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
