Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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