PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
