Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
