I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize