Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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