Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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