Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
