What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
