you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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